†

2012-02-05T19:35:00.000+08:00

"That one person who came and changed your life."
and ruined mine too.......

2012-02-03T20:09:00.002+08:00

I have always disappointed God but He didn't gave up on me.
I know in times of tough, the one who is constantly beside me is Him.
I will never turn my back on Him, no.
I am really really happy on that day and I know that day will never come anymore.
But its alright.. People change and hearts move on.
11 more days...

2012-01-29T15:21:00.001+08:00

So much things on my mind...

#Experienceiwillneverforget

2012-01-15T03:25:00.002+08:00

Fellowship with Cellgroup leader and member till 215AM and they walked me home. It was raining when we were halfway reachig my house.. Really had fun fellowshipping with em'. Thank God for putting angels in my life. Feel so love...... really. :')

2012-01-08T17:32:00.003+08:00

When you're feeling happy, who is the first one you shared your joy to?
When you're feeling low, who is the first one you seek comfort from?
When you're feeling stress, who is the first one you talk to?
I know when I am gone, not even one will notice. not even one.

2012-01-04T19:00:00.003+08:00

So 2011 was gone, and 2012 came....

I wrote my wishes: for my family, for my cellgroup, for my happy friends, for my friends, for my 'family', for my studies and for my happiness on the sky lantern with happy friends.
I know God sees and know what we wrote and He will make it come true.

So school started, it's the 2nd day of school now. Mr Wee has been having high hopes on me for the chairman position.... I really don't want to fail him. I want to prove myself, prove myself that I can do it. 'I can do all things through Christ who strengthen me.' This bible verse has helped me through 2nd day of school. To be honest... I hate school, I hate having him in my class. I'm not enjoying school at all. I've been avoiding everything, I hate just how everything happened..... But I know I have God and I will pull through.. I can pull through this.

Anything and everything won't matters to me anymore, not anymore, not even you.

Just as we thought it would last forever.

2011-12-30T00:12:00.004+08:00

2 more days till 2012 arrive, 4 more days till school starts.
To be honest, I am very afraid of whats going to come when the new year arrives.
2011 has been a good year for me I think, I've learnt a lot.
Nothing stays forever, if there is a start for something, there will be an ending.
I don't dare to imagine how 2012 would be like for me...
I don't know what are the things I want to bring forward to 2012 or
what are the things I should just leave it on 2011 and move on.
All those moments I had on 2011, I believe they won't be replayed anymore.
I'm sure I will miss 2011 a lot and I really look forward to 2012.
I'm gonna work hard for my N and O levels next year, I will not let anything distract me.
Maybe I should let everything go, everything.

"Let all the unhappiness fly up together with the fireworks... and let it burst off. Forgot all that had happened this year and leave all the good memories with us."

2011-12-18T17:41:00.005+08:00

I can't give thanks enough. I am so thankful to the one who invited me to church.
To make me change into a better person, to be like Jesus more and more each day.
To make me meet wonderful people in my life who cares for me.
From last year 2010.

Until now....

Happy one year, daddy God :')

Easier said than done.

2011-12-15T15:28:00.004+08:00

If you're there right at that place, will you remember that we once skate there? How happy everyone was? I doubt so...
I told myself that God put you in my life for a reason and remove you for a better reason. I told myself countless of time that everything is over and its impossible. I told myself repeatably that its better this way. I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction to see me being like this, no. I've said goodbye for so many times but when is the time i actually meant it? Its not easy to forget someone right? To forget someone you really love.
'You're better off without him.' 'He doesn't deserve you.' 'He is history.' 'You deserve someone thousand times better.' Yeah, everyone said this to me. I know I deserve someone better.
But how could I ask for more when I think I already had the best? How could I ask for more when I was truly happy at that period of time? How could I ask for others when I only want you......?

4 months.

2011-12-12T18:48:00.003+08:00

Remember the time when you trusted someone fully with your heart? Its not as if I hasn't learn from my previous mistakes, or I was blind again. Its not I didn't warn you, or I didn't look before I fall. You were my friend, my close friend. I told you that theres much more better people out there, but you refuse. I told you I was nonsensical, you said you didn't mind. I trusted you, everything. But turns out that I was the fool, a fool. I can't figure out whether I hate you or I was mad at you. Thanks to you, really.

2011-12-08T01:14:00.000+08:00

I will never let myself go through this type of pain anymore.
No, not anymore.

2011-12-07T03:59:00.003+08:00

"The person you see smiling every day might not be the happiest person."
"The person whom you appear to be the strongest on the outer might not be on the inside."
I finally understand...

2011-12-04T19:57:00.001+08:00

Who will be there whenever you need someone?
Who really cares for you?
Who will be willing to sacrifice everything for you?
Who?

2011-12-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

You will always be that dream boy/prince that everyone wants.
While me... I'm just me.

Never failed to have heartache whenever I listen.

2011-12-02T15:45:00.001+08:00

I'm really starting to become a fan of Taylor Swift.
Really enjoyed ALL of her songs.

2011-12-02T00:27:00.002+08:00

i'm going crazy.
I can't face the truth and it seems like a stupid thing. I dont know how long am I gonna run/hide anymore.

2011-12-01T14:01:00.001+08:00

Stop being stupid, Vivian.

2011-11-30T02:33:00.002+08:00

Having the urge to drink... Drank Dad's dry gin with coke. Maybe after every nonsensical stuff I made all I want is to be found again. I know I wasn't like this the last time.. I was never like this. I changed, like everyone else. Why am I always feeling so down every night? So disappointed with myself, Im so speechless... I guess all I can say is: Get well soon, go me.

Maybe you should let me go so I could be free.....

2011-11-28T23:41:00.005+08:00

Today was a happy day, spent time with Danying. Hehe, If I am not wrong it is the first time we both went out alone together. I guess everyone is just pretending trying to be strong outside but yet inside everything is very fragile. No one knows how truly unhappy you are except yourself. How much courage does it takes to say 'I'm fine' when all you want is a shoulder to cry on? How much effort does it take to put on a smile when its killing you inside? Are you truly happy or putting a show for everyone? How many deep breathe you took so to lessen the pain you felt inside? I guess all these pain is just here to remind us that we are human and we are still alive.

Its been 4 months and I am still dwelling over it, maybe some people call me stupid, or foolish. But I really love you and I really do. Now, whats the point of saying all these now? Hah....

2011-11-27T19:23:00.002+08:00

Now I know how it feels to trust Jesus when everything is falling apart. I know He will never leave nor forsake me, He will never break His promises to me. Even in time of pain, I still trust in Him.
ThankYou Jesus. :')

2011-11-27T15:22:00.000+08:00

" Life sucks when you have a good heart. You help too much. You trust too much. You give too much. And most importantly, you love too much. "

Because I trusted, I gave in too much and I loved you too much.

2011-11-26T01:26:00.001+08:00

Watched "You're the apple of my eye" with happy friends today.
Cried because it remind of you, and the family.
And it reminds of me how we will never sit together at bangala park anymore.

2011-11-22T00:06:00.002+08:00

Something we have taken for granted everytime.
Food, water, friends, family, moments.

2011-11-21T16:58:00.003+08:00

I'm here all alone fighting this battle. All I long for was just someone, just someone to come up to me and tell me to be strong and pat me on my head saying that this too shall pass. Maybe all I want to be was to be a little girl once again when scraped knees hurts the most. I've no one here with me to fight this battle. I screamed,I shouted but no one heard. All I've to do was to put on my fake smile and fake laughter to fool my friends around me, going around pretending that I am alright when actually I am not? This is tough, so tough. So tell me how long shall this go on?

2011-11-20T21:49:00.003+08:00

Thats how much I could handle, thats how much I could take in. It took every ounce of me to say goodbye. Its for the best, i believe everyone knows. I trust and believe in God.

On the side note: I actually hope you're trap somewhere in Brunei so you couldn't come back.
And also, I meant it when I told my friends I want to kill you.
20 November 2011, Happy birthday.

2011-11-19T03:26:00.002+08:00

I know I shouldn't look back, but the past kept on knocking on my door.

2011-11-18T14:40:00.001+08:00

Whatever. Just...... whatever.
why bother?

2011-11-17T10:39:00.003+08:00

What if... one day i've decided that i had enough and jump off the building?
What if... one day i just vanish into the thin air?
What if... one day i couldn't care less anymore and just cross the road without looking?
What if... i've made up my mind to actually migrate to london for my studies?
What if... i just jump off the building now?
What if... tomorrow is the end of the world?

2011-11-14T21:29:00.001+08:00

I dont recognise you anymore... Not anymore.
I guess the history is repeating again, isn't it?
☺

2011-11-13T13:11:00.001+08:00

It's like a huge hole that have been punched through my chest.

2011-11-09T22:09:00.001+08:00

I don't know how long I can remain being strong.. But thats the only option left for me.
I rather I didn't see you at all, not that I hate you but I'm really disappointed.

2011-11-08T22:20:00.001+08:00

"For a long time it had seemed
to me that life was about to begin -real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way,
something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business,
time still to be served,
a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life."

This perspective has helped me to see
that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way,
so, treasure every moment that you have.
And treasure it more because you shared it
with someone special,
special enough to spend your time...
and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer,
until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you've had a drink,
until you've sobered up,
until you die, until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time
than right now to be happy...
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So, Work like you don't need money.
Love like you've never been hurt and
Dance Like no one's watching. "

2011-11-06T19:50:00.000+08:00

You know what I am afraid of? That I can actually forget you, to move on.

2011-11-03T09:29:00.001+08:00

It's been 3 months..

2011-10-30T17:47:00.001+08:00

This is life, this is how my life is suppose to be right?
Well then okay...

2011-10-28T10:36:00.001+08:00

Hoping I'd get drunk. Hoping I would never wake up anymore.

2011-10-24T21:50:00.001+08:00

Every tear drop that streamed down my face behind those closed door, is a reminder of how I don't know how to let go of you. I really dont know how to.

2011-10-24T19:47:00.001+08:00

I don't know how I am suppose to feel, right now.

Which is better? To feel nothing or to feel everything

2011-10-23T13:11:00.002+08:00

How do you forget someone who gave you so much to remember?
How do you forget someone you thought of spending forever with?

2011-10-19T13:46:00.002+08:00

Everyday I am just spending my life away. Always constantly thinking about those negative stuff, always wanted to die. This, is stupid. I can't believe myself that I am actually doing this to myself. I've seriously disappointed too much people in my life, I just.. seriously feel like dying. I am not strong, I cry at the littlest thing. I really dont know why, why would God put me in a situation where I dont know what to do in my life right now. I want to give up, badly. My life is in a mess, I fucking made my mom cried infront of me last night, my results were like shit. Everyone is worrying about me, my friends, my parents, everyone. And here I am, wanting to die. Hah. No one bloody understand me, no.one. I dont know who to run to anymore, I dont know where to run to. I am just as lost as a sheep. I dont know how to bloody hell go on with my life anymore, I really dont know.

2011-10-17T22:22:00.001+08:00

What keeps me from skipping school? You.
(the bloody hell idiot which im so disappointed in, sigh.)

2011-10-16T12:30:00.002+08:00

Cellgroup leader had a short talk to me on the way back home, he asked whether I am still twitting about you. He told me to chuck away everything, but the problem is I cant. Its not I doesnt want to but I cant. Im trying very very hard, but I know I will still fail in the end. Oh well.....

2011-10-12T23:14:00.002+08:00

I had sat beside her in class for 1year and 10 months and today is actually the first time we talked about our personal stuff. I just feel so magical that I HAD to blog this down although I know no one is viewing my blog anymore. She really understands how I feel, like deep down... Am really blessed to have her as my friend... really.

I guess im a very very very x999999 stubborn girl. I cried, I whine, I scold, I make decisions when I am upset, I broke down. But after everything, I still pick up my sword and continue to fight again. K, I am really stubborn, like r.e.a.l.l.y.. I guess this is me, and it makes me vivian.

They say things happen for a reason but no wise words gonna stop the bleeding.

2011-10-12T12:25:00.003+08:00

Yeah, I admit. I still love you after everything that had happen. And I think, its gonna take a long time for me to feel alright but thats okay. I love you, hold on to that, never let that go.

2011-10-12T00:42:00.004+08:00

Love. What is love? People could actually go and attempt suicide for it, wow. Everytime I recall, I would find myself so pathetic... You know, sometimes I would look at myself in the mirror and I feel so sorry for the person I saw infront of me. I seriously feel so sorry for that pathetic bitch which is inconsiderate of people's feeling and thats why people leave her. And that pathetic bitch, is me. I had to remind myself everyday, that everything won't be the same anymore. Not anymore, because once its gone, it will be gone. forever. Its been 2 months, yup. and I am still not alright. Yeah, i wont die. NOT YET I guess. Will I be alright? Maybe I guess, but I just find it so impossible. Yeah, you were 1st in my life. I put you there so I had no one to blame. Guess it will just keep on hurting and hurting, let it hurt then, because at the end of the day. I wont die, right?

2011-10-11T13:02:00.002+08:00

Theres really alot of things i want to say/tell... but i...

2011-10-09T14:26:00.003+08:00

"A wise man once sat in an audience and cracked a joke. Everybody laughs like crazy. After a moment, he cracked the same joke again. This time, less people laughed. He cracked the same joke again and again. When there was no laughter in the crowd, he smiled and said:

You can't laugh at the same joke again and again, but why do you keep crying over the same thing over and over again?"

I found myself crying over the same reason over and over again, and the funniest thing is... I dont even know what the reason is. Slowly and slowly I found myself behaving like those pathetic xiao meimei who cant get over a guy, hah.

我爱你, 可是你已经不爱我了..

2011-10-06T15:13:00.002+08:00

Its funny how everything happened and I am still holding on with the little pieces you broke.
What a joke vivian, what a joke.

2011-10-05T17:29:00.002+08:00

I guess it doesn't matter if no one understand how I feel, because I know You do.
No one hears my cries, I know You heard.
And thats all it matters, nothing else matters to me anymore, nothing.....
Everything is dead, practically dead.

2011-10-03T18:04:00.002+08:00

It's clearly stated, everything is clearly stated, no words were needed. From the moment I looked at you, I have found my answer, the answer I wanted to know the past month.
Time to wake up now, silly vivian......

2011-10-02T02:24:00.000+08:00

^^.
City Harvest, My Church, My life. <3

2011-10-01T11:00:00.003+08:00

"I am alright." isn't what everyone wants me to say? At least I pretended to be, at least I make the effort to be. I am not being strong for myself anymore, I am being strong for the sake of the people who cares for me.

I'm leaning off the edge, jumping off the ledge.

2011-09-11T14:29:00.003+08:00

It really hurts, hurts to see that you're fine without me. People around me tried to take away the pain, they tried to make me smile, they tried to show me that i am not alone, they tried to tell me that everything is gonna be alright again. I have really never thought trusting someone with all you had could turn out this way, I have never thought that losing someone so important to you could turn out this way. Everyday bit by bit, I would be reminded by the things we once had. Tears just kept on rolling down my cheek, my heart just kept on hurting and hurting.. If you knew I was crying every night, will you make the effort to wipe away my tears? No. I have got no where to hide, I have got no place to go... I can't get over you, I really dont know what to do.. That hole in my heart is probably something that no one could fix. I know I will never ever find a guy like you again, never ever...

Strong wall shakes, but never collapse.

2011-09-09T13:53:00.004+08:00

Its been a long time since I cried so hard that I could hardly breathe.. Tears just kept on dripping down my cheeks and my heart kept on bleeding and bleeding... I will learn to suck up the pain, to live with it, to deal with it.. I know my friends are very worried for me and they dont want to see me in this state. I promise, I will learn to be strong. This part of life is seriously so, so dark.. But I know I am never facing them alone... Now that it hurts so much, even the slightest things could hurt me.. I'm so afraid, so so afraid.

I've learnt that it take losing someone important to you to realise how blessed you actually are, and this is the point which i failed to see....

Sorry for being weak.

2011-09-09T12:42:00.003+08:00

I am sorry for the things I did, what i said and the things i hid... I can't imagine where i'll be if you never rescue me..

2011-09-07T22:19:00.000+08:00

People that kept me going, without them.. I am nothing, really....

<3 Stars, W557.

What are words?

2011-09-04T12:19:00.003+08:00

Have you forgotten what you sang to me? Have you forgotten what you said to me? Have you forgotten what we did together? I thought you said you meant what you sang? But why did you still leave when you knew I needed you the most? Why did you make promises when you are not sure whether you're gonna fulfill it? I hate this, I hate myself. I hate myself for taking you for granted. I hate how we used to be so close and now we're nothing. I hate how I have to pretend to everyone that I am alright. I hate how I have to bottle everything up to myself again. I hate how I would have to face reality every morning. I hate how I lie to myself that you had your own reasons for hurting me. I hate how I lie to myself that everything will be alright. I hate everything, I hate changes. I really want to vanish, I want to disappear from everyone...

Is this what you get for trusting someone too much? Or is this how my life is suppose to me?

2011-09-03T13:00:00.004+08:00

These 6 months, I've been nothing but a burden to you. Maybe you were right, you should leave me, you shouldnt had love me from the start. Maybe we shouldnt even hang out together so the memories wont be there to kill me. I tried letting go, I tried forgetting you, I tried hating you but I just cant. You held a very important position in my heart... You're really important to me. Everyday I lie to myself that tomorrow would be a better day but everyday is just the same. I really miss you, I really miss us. Do you know how much it hurts me whenever I walk pass you and we didnt talk? Are we suppose to be like this? Is this how everything gonna end? You entered my life by your own choice and now you want to leave? Did i make it that easy to walk in and out of my life? Can I be replaced that easily? Am I that easy to be forgotten? Im so used to the life having you around and now that you're gone... I've not only lost the one I love the most, I also lost my friend... I lost you. Everyday I thought I am moving on pretty well, but actually.. I've not move on at all. I prayed to God, I asked Him to give me another chance, I asked Him to make things right, I asked Him to be there for you because I believe you dont need me anymore... I'm just so useless, arent I?

These 6 months I bought you nothing but pain, nothing but misery.. Yes, I am inconsiderate, I didnt consider about your feelings, I am selfish, I am useless, I am nothing, I am a burden to everyone... I am nothing but a pain in the ass.

2011-09-02T14:22:00.001+08:00

My existence is not appreciated, I know.
I'll back off, I'll go, I'll leave.

2011-08-29T22:40:00.003+08:00

Waking up in the morning was the hardest, every time I just hope I could sleep on forever.. My mood is just like a roller coaster ups and downs, I can actually break down anywhere.. I do have positive thoughts, but that never really last.. I dont want to hold on but neither do I want to let go, Im just gonna let natural take it course. I trust on nothing but the Lord, because He knows what best for me...

2011-08-28T00:54:00.002+08:00

I am actually a very blessed girl, I've such supportive family, wonderful classmates, a loving cellgroup and have great friends around me. Losing you made me realise alot of things, I took things for granted, I took you for granted. I never realise how blessed I actually am until I loses something important...

2011-08-25T20:20:00.003+08:00

Since you've been gone, I have been thinking alot... Many things have been running through my mind, memories of us kept on repeating, every moment, every second. Sometime I found it so hard to remove you from my mind. You're indeed the best thing that had happen to me this year. I was the happiest when I am with you, I never felt that same way with another person before. You entered my life unexpectedly, somehow someway you did. I was the happiest, happiest... No words can explain how important you're to me.

2011-08-24T18:39:00.005+08:00

Throughout these days, I took time to see who was there for me and who was not there. Actually I am very blessed to have friends, family, wonderful cg members, cousins who cares for me. And of course you... who used to.. I should be thankful for what I had, I should have been. But I believe its not too late to start doing it now.. Therefore from nao on, I shall cherish what I had before its too late.

2011-08-24T17:29:00.002+08:00

Yup, you shouldnt care about me. You shouldnt even care about me in the first place. I thought I cross your mind just for 1 second, just 1 second. But no, I didnt. I dont mean anything to you now, not even a SINGLE thing. My existence in this world to you is NOTHING. I'm NOTHING to you. NOTHING. I know, I disappoint my friends, my family, I even disappoint MYSELF. You had no idea how disappoint im to myself dont you. No one understands me, no one...

2011-08-23T06:59:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry, im not as strong as you think i am. I disappoint people, people disappoint me. I'm not who I am anymore, im sorry... What is promise? What does forever means? What are words? I dont know.. Its really painful, the one who matter most to you walk out of your life. I let down my guard, because I trusted you... Everything just happened like a dream, i finally woke up from it and thats it, gone.